it looks interesting and I can't wait to see more.

Author's Response: heh i'll have to think what to write next though ^^

.... ......I'm disturbed. Since you say your sentimental, I'll try to be sympathetic...sort of. (I've had a tendency to smack n00bs.) So, here are a couple of your many mistakes. None of us is perfect, but please, heed my review:

1) Too quick, for starters. Sex in the first chapter? I dun think so.

2) Your beginning sucked so terribly I couldn't read on without feeling like a moron. "Lovey-dovey". Ugh. No. Just, no. Not many readers like reading, "It was lovey-dovey and everything was wonderful and they were so in love."

3) Did you know that you capitalize names? No idea what an amethyst hedgehog is, but I suppose you must. Mind enlightening me?

4) *sigh* Here we go again. Self-insertion/OC-insertion. Please, we don't know who the frigging hell Amethyst the Hedgehog is. Introduce her in some way other than as a familiar. She is not a familiar. No matter how much you want her to be, she never will.

5) "The youngling". ...No. Terrible description.

6) "Grammer" mistakes, eh? Just made one. Grammar.

7) 'The truth was : The unsuspecting
hedgehog' roommates were gay!' OMG. Ith dat true? :P You put three big no no's into one sentence that wasn't correctly structured. Go figure. First, almost never put exclamation marks in narrative third person; second, when you put a colon, do not put a space before it; third, it's 'hedgehog's'.

8) Your paragraphing was God awful. Work on it, please. Read other people's work to get an idea. ^^;

9) I have...a prejudice about fancharacers, one may think. No, it's not that. It's just that nobody can write them well over three fourths the time. Amethyst is not a familiar, as I stated. Don't act like she is. (And what does she look like? Half the hedgehogs I know are recolors, sadly....)

10) So understanding, not at all surprised that her two roommates, who seem to be much older than her and did NOT want to scar her young mind before, are gay. Mind telling me something that hasn't been incorrectly used before?

11) Pick a tense, any tense. Please. Just stick to it as well as you can. Past, present, or future. I don't care. You seem to like all three very much, but you can only be friends with one because they all hate each other.

12) Amethyst, as you've stated, is a young mind who is innocent. Then she talks about the two hedgehogs getting it on? Consistency, please.

13) Description. Your description causes decryption for me. Half of this chapter, I've been wondering, 'What the HELL is going on?' Sometimes too much dialogue and no description is bad.

14) Emotion. You set no mood except that of this feeling like a youngster's story and made me feel very embarrassed to read it. Try to set a feeling. Ever read Haydn of Mars? I'd suggest doing so. That book sets emotion and description you could pull something from.

15) Heroe-hero or heroes.

16) OOC. Look at the games, play them. Sonic and Shadow are out of character in this. ...Or maybe not. You didn't describe them enough for me to know.

17) Your lemon sucked, didn't make sense; I'd have to wonder if you ever took sexEd, and am most sure that you are a virgin. (Don't reveal that stuff--personal if ya know what I mean. Thus, describe and you get away with the benefit of the doubt.)

18) That ending was worse than the endings I used to write when I was in fifth grade. Narration is not supposed to smack you in the face with a wooden stick for foreshadowing. And...paragraphing, recall?

This story's narration has abused me and beaten me to a bloody pulp with that stick of death. To wrap it all up, you missed a few spots. Try to work on it and I hope you do better, my fellow author. ^^ Can't wait to see what happens next.

Author's Response: apparently, the story came out all messed up and with gaps, 'least i dont start the story with 'one day'. ...