well, the chapter could be a bit longer and not as squished together, other than that this is a good story

I could improve this story a lot more. I've been given a suggestion about the names of my characters and I will change them back to the original names. Thanks for all comments and suggestions!

You write like a middle school kid. *squints* By the way, you added Ebony the cat in this? Oh, joy! I've been waiting for her popularity rise. Oh...wait...you meant Shadow! Oh, why didn't you say Shadow?

Do you mind not reviewing your own story? It annoys people (like me.)

Please separate your dialogue into different paragraphs. Most people *cough* newbs *cough* who just come here don't know that in the English language, you separate your dialogue, but it's the sad truth. We can't all write long chaotic paragraphs, no matter how much we want to. As the author, it is your duty to make sure your work is correctly formatted. It really, really matters where you put those little indents.

So, you really need to work on this. My biggest gripe? You lack putting their names and you put parentheses around a few names. Don't do this, please. And, please of please, use their names and not their colors.

By the way, conscious flow (making it up as you go) is not good to publish on a site. Unless you're Faulkner. But, let's face it, Faulkner probably would have done better if he had come up with a plan after he did conscious flow, tweaking the piece. After you free write, look back and make it orderly. Last time I used conscious flow was in the latest chapter in my new chapter story, and Sonic got crushed by a two ton elephant. You don't see that in there, do you? Thought not.

You've got potential, though. Keep on improving. I like where this story is going. ^^

Author's Response: I'm getting into it slowly. Most people go too quickly for my liking. I wrote it in microsoft word then copy/pasted it so I didn't know that it would be so messed up. Also, I'm a slow typer so that makes all the difference in the world. But thanks for the suggestions. I will take them into account.

Totally cool