That emo-scene was really unnescessary. No one really wants to think of someone killing themselves on a website like this am I right? Sorry but I really don't like this.

I'm tired right now and pissed, but I'm not going to be rude to you. Why? Because, unlike your paragraph, you had decent grammar. No length, a crappy emo scene, but decent grammar. For that, I thank you. I thought I was going to have to go spastic today. I'm simply going to point out some things you could improve on.

No emo-lame ass scene, please. We've had enough of those with Shadow on fanfiction.net. Thank you. :) There is a difference between angsty and emo, however thin that line may seem to some. We all know Shadow would never do that.

Build up to the scene you wrote. This seems like a section of a much larger chapter. You seem to have started in the middle. While that's not a bad thing, starting where the reader is clueless is.

While on the topic of chapters, please use more length. At least 500 words if you're truly lazy. Then shoot for a 1000. I'm lazy myself, and I always shoot for over 1000. Need to think of the reader, you know? They want more than six paragraphs. They want your writing. The only way we can read it and be happy is if you give it willingly in nice, healthy sized doses of sonadow goodness. Observe how authors lay out most chapters. Usually longer than a page. (Unless you've read Octavian Nothing. But, that book has a meaning behind the length of some chapter sizes. XD)

So, decent, but in need of some serious face lifting. Work on it, is my suggestion. You have the means. If you want to, try to apply my suggestions to your future work. Can't wait to see more (because I'm just a sad little creature who is always curious about others' writing) and how you've improved. Nice work. ^^