do more of this i think its pretty good so far

Mhmm, this is one of those stories that are very, very weird, yet you still like it.
Good job, keep up the good work.

Author's Response:

Thanks, I hope I can^^

Its an interesting plot idea, and a good effort, to say the least, but there are many problems riddling this chapter you need to correct before you can continue writing on this:

First and foremost, your narrative is atrocious, switching between present and past tense. Choose which one you want to write the fic in and stick with it. Personally, I suggest sticking with writing in past tense, because it makes telling the story a whole lot smarter.

Second, you need to break your paragraphs better. Thankfully this is not WALLOFTEXT that I seen a lot of newbs write, but your paragraphs still need to be broken down more, especially when switching from one speaker to another.

Third, fan characters are NOT such a great idea, as no one can find a way to relate to them, and Sonic has SO many available casts of characters that can easily fill the part. Don't use more characters than what you can write for, too many characters sitting in the background and forgotten about just clutters the fic.

Author's Response:

Thanks, I'll work on those, but all of the sonic characters are useful, so they can really take Melony's place